Ahoy – Negativity & Curly Fries
by Jennifer Feltyberger
Somewhere along the line, you get tired of the random sex, and you become more interested in finding someone who wants to spend time with you. Maybe even take out your trash.
So I met a guy my own age, a 6’3” bald, boat captain for a company that runs charters. This guy should be fun. I imagine great stories of exotic ports and amusing anecdotes of the crazy people he’s met along the way, so I agree to meet him for drinks and dinner.
I stopped at my friend’s place for a glass of wine before I go on my merry way. My friend asks “So what does he do?” I tell her he’s a boat captain – a little proud of the cool title. She tells me “Don’t go out with him! Boat captains are all whores with substance abuse problems”. She tells me to stop back for another drink when the date ends badly. Well – we’ll see about that!
I meet the captain at the bar of a casual restaurant. He’s already drinking a vodka rocks with a splash of Redbull. (Strike one – Redbull smells disgusting.) It’s obvious that this is not his first drink either, and I was on time, so he’s been hanging out for a bit. I give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he’s a little nervous, or had extra time to kill.
I made lots of small talk – trying to find something that he is interested in. I have no problems talking to people I don’t know. I ask questions to find out what they want to talk about- what interests them. The captain isn’t giving me anything to work with.
Me: “What’s your favorite place you’ve ever been to?”
Captain: “The one I haven’t been to yet.”
Me: “Well, I loved New Orleans . . .the food and the people and the music-”
Captain: “I hated New Orleans, couldn’t get out of there fast enough”
Me: “Do you enjoy being a boat captain?”
Captain: “It pays the bills.”
Me: “What drew you to it?”
Captain: “A friend offered me a job, so I took it and got a license”
Me:“Favorite band or concert? “
Captain: “Dave Matthews”
Me to myself: (Eeeeew)
Me: “Oh really, tell me about it.”
Captain – Proceeds to tell me everything he hated about the favorite concert he’s ever been to
How can I work with these answers? So I figure this is like pulling teeth, so I will just start talking, and maybe he will join me with a common interest at some point.
I mentioned to him that I like the Grateful Dead.
Captain: “Oh god you like them?”
Hey, at least I kept my distaste for Dave Matthews to myself..
Captain: “You wasted money going to see them in concerts numerous times? Well aren’t you a fucking saint!”
And as I sit there stunned at what was said, he grabs a curly fry from my plate and puts it on top of my head. “Here’s your halo!” And after a moment he proceeds to EAT the curly fry from the top of my head.
I am sorry – what? Yes! This total bore has put food on my head and eaten it off. I am both appalled and amused that this human exists and I got to experience this crazy first hand. Well, I am done. Why have I been putting up with this until now? I was dying to see where it was headed. I am no longer amused. I sit quietly planning my escape.
The captain then yells at the 2 guys next to him that were discussing a craft beer that they just ordered. “OHMYGOD it’s a beer – drink it – you aren’t dating it! You don’t need to discuss it!” My cue to leave. I interrupt his tirade with – “I have never done this before – but I’m going to go,” I state as I drop money on the bar for my food so that the bartender can see me. My date just drunkenly stares at me and says “Okay”. Before leaving I stopped and spoke to the guys next to the captain “I am sorry, I can’t take this guy any more – good luck!”
That night when I got back early from the date, I brought over a bottle of wine to my neighbors who had warned me before I went out – never date a boat captain. We laughed and laughed about my curly fry halo.
